The State of Arizona is litigious, dehydrated, and entirely unamused by Dr Chipmunk’s “Hedge Scream” protocol.

Since Dr. Chipmunk is physically composed of “Doppler sounds holding hands”—a state of matter that makes handcuffing him technically impossible — the Phoenix, AZ DA has no choice but to serve this notice to his legal representation at Cat-Ent Pending, LLP.

Here is the official filed document, which was downloaded by a coked up Ferret and then transcribed back into a document via a typewriter and a fax machine.

OFFICE OF THE ATTORNEY GENERAL STATE OF ARIZONA Bureau of Botanical Integrity & Desert CrimesPhoenix, AZ 85007

TO: Dr. Chipmunk (aka “The Blur,” aka “The Macadamia Mule”)

c/o CAT-ENT PENDING, LLP 1 Moebius Strip, Boston MA

RE: CEASE AND DESIST / WARRANT FOR IMMEDIATE ARREST / PHYSICS VIOLATION

DEAR SIR OR MADAM OR SOUND WAVE:

PLEASE TAKE NOTICE that the State of Arizona hereby demands that you immediately CEASE AND DESIST all operations, broadcasts, and mental health interventions within, adjacent to, or conceptually regarding our sovereign territory.

Your client, the entity known as “Dr. Chipmunk,” is currently in violation of the following statutes:

COUNT 1: DEFAMATION OF SUCCULENTS (A.R.S. § 13-2924) Your commercial explicitly instructs patients to “not try it, Phoenix,” implying that our state tree, the majestic Carnegiea gigantea (Saguaro), is an inferior therapeutic receptacle compared to a boxwood hedge. You have characterized our flora as “hostile” merely because it is covered in 3-inch spines. This is libel. A Saguaro scream is a valid scream; it is just a scream that bleeds.

COUNT 2: UNLICENSED PRACTICE OF MEDICINE BY A NON-SOLID ENTITY We have attempted to serve your client with a subpoena on twelve separate occasions. Each time, the process server reported that Dr. Chipmunk “sounded like a race car driving away” and then physically redshifted out of the visible spectrum. You cannot practice psychiatry if you are merely Doppler sounds holding hands. You must have mass to hold a license.

COUNT 3: RACKETEERING & NUT LAUNDERING We are aware of the “Macadamia Pipeline.” We know you are bypassing the Port of Entry at Nogales. We know about the “No Shells” policy. You are artificially inflating the price of almonds in Scottsdale by mocking them as “dry and jagged.” This is market manipulation.

COUNT 4: THE “ARIZONA EXCLUSION” By legally excluding Arizona from your service area, you have hurt our feelings. This is not a crime, but in Arizona, we take it personally.

DEMAND FOR COMPLIANCE You are hereby ordered to:

1. Surrender all Macadamia reserves to the State Department of Transportation for “road repair testing.”

2. Publicly apologize to a cactus.

3. Stop moving so fast. We can’t catch you. It’s annoying.

Failure to comply will result in the deployment of our specialized task force: The Roadrunners. (Yes, we have them. No, they do not obey the laws of physics either.)

GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY.

Sincerely,

Preston T. Dryheat Assistant Attorney General for Cactus Rights

…… cut to

[INTERNAL MEMO: CAT-ENT PENDING LLP]

FROM: Senior Partner (An Orange Tabby Cat)

TO: Dr. Chipmunk

SUBJECT: RE: The Arizona Letter

I have received the attached letter. I rubbed my face on it for 20 minutes and then pushed it off the desk. I believe this constitutes a legal motion for dismissal.

Billing you 400 Macadamias for this consultation.